It's getting worse.

I'm worried.

I thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend. I thought "Oh, how great it will be to have everything Dani has at last" but now...now I don't want it. I don't want him.

He's nice, he compliments me like I said in an earlier post. I thought I liked him.

I know it sounds selfish, but I think I can do better.

His jokes aren't funny, I've discovered he 'ate his girlfriend out' and that just doesn't sit well with me.

With my ex, the kisses we shared were electrifying (though I don't like him anymore) but with Moe, they aren't great. I don't feel a damn thing, and I actually dread kissing him.

I don't know what to do.

It's a long distance relationship, so I won't have to worry about randomly seeing him. But the 'magic'...it just isn't there.

I'm scared, and I'm terrified about what I have to do, but I can't bring myself to do it, no matter how much I want to.

Though, leading him on was a mistake, my biggest mistake was telling my 'best friend'. The moment I did, I'm positive she told my other best friend. And then when they couldn't talk alone, she ran ahead to go home and call her.

I can't tell anyone anything anymore. Anyone, but this blasted blog.

And it can't even tell me what to do.

I'm not stable right now.

I'm not stable.

Feeling Terrible

Well, I am feeling like shit right now and I'm not sure why.

I mean, I have a boyfriend. It's what I've been wanting right? So why do I suddenly wish he'd never entered my life?

Why do I constantly worry about the next time I'm going to see him. He's wonderful, he treats me nicely and he constantly compliments me when I'm worried about how I look. Before he was my boyfriend I wanted him to be my boyfriend. But now, now I just want to get rid of him. I want to feel depressed, I want to be sad.

But I don't want to be alone. I can't be alone again, I think terrible things when I'm alone. Ways to die, ways that I won't feel the saddness, but when it's gone I miss it terribly.

Then there is the silence. The awful awful silence. I can be in a crowded room, but I'm still alone, still surrounded by the worst of everything.

I want to change. My best friend doesn't trust me, and I'm beginning to think she doesn't even like me anymore. I'm beginning to think that life is way too overwhelming, and summer has only just begun.

Soon, high school swimming will start, and I'll be on varsity. I do not think that I can handle that. The pressure, the stress, the mental and physical breakdowns. I don't think I can do it.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of what I am, and I'm scared of what I'll become.

But I'm terrified of what I've been.

Creation

I've created this blog because I need an online diary. I need something that's always going to be there when my friends won't be. I need a place to share my secrets, a place to be me and not worry about how I'm being judged.

I need a place to be real.

Cause right now I'm just a little piece of fiction.