Feeling Terrible

Well, I am feeling like shit right now and I'm not sure why.

I mean, I have a boyfriend. It's what I've been wanting right? So why do I suddenly wish he'd never entered my life?

Why do I constantly worry about the next time I'm going to see him. He's wonderful, he treats me nicely and he constantly compliments me when I'm worried about how I look. Before he was my boyfriend I wanted him to be my boyfriend. But now, now I just want to get rid of him. I want to feel depressed, I want to be sad.

But I don't want to be alone. I can't be alone again, I think terrible things when I'm alone. Ways to die, ways that I won't feel the saddness, but when it's gone I miss it terribly.

Then there is the silence. The awful awful silence. I can be in a crowded room, but I'm still alone, still surrounded by the worst of everything.

I want to change. My best friend doesn't trust me, and I'm beginning to think she doesn't even like me anymore. I'm beginning to think that life is way too overwhelming, and summer has only just begun.

Soon, high school swimming will start, and I'll be on varsity. I do not think that I can handle that. The pressure, the stress, the mental and physical breakdowns. I don't think I can do it.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of what I am, and I'm scared of what I'll become.

But I'm terrified of what I've been.